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Dear Thomas F. Ratchford,
You may noticed I have given you a middle initial on the letter head and if you are wondering what it stands for, you might be right on the first try.
Fail. Thomas Fail Ratchford. Even the reigning king of Fail, Mr. Fred Hoffstaetter cannot hold a candle to your colossal abundance of unmitigated Failure.
Your consumption of my brownies is merely the first nail in the coffin. You simply ate them, and when confronted, you blamed Mike, pointing fingers away from yourself, using smoke and mirrors and lies and deception. I simply wanted some awesome brownies that Nicole had baked so elegantly for us, but you purged them from the world and then lied over an electronic device. Disgusting, Mr. Ratchford. Disgusting.
The second nail in the coffin is your dire recklessness on the road. It seems your driving skills are that of a fetus at the helm of Geno's Offroad Vehicle. You act with little regard for your own life and for the lives of other around you as your cruise down the highways at almost double the speed limit. What are you trying to prove? Are you attempting to take your life on America's motorways? It will no be surprised when one day I turn on the news and find your body strewn upon an interstate. The Air Force might get you out of $1000 tickets, Mr. Ratchford, but the Air force won't save your life when you side swipe another vehicle at more then 100 miles and hour and your life ends at contact with a Jersey barrier.
This of course brings me to my next point or the third nail in the coffin. You aren't even in a Branch of the Military yet. You have yet to earn those chevrons and wings that others have strive to earn, yet you boast and flaunt it like you have flown 12 combat missions in every war since the Civil. How about you go to Basic Training, and then tell everyone you are part of the United States Military.
The fourth nail in the coffin is your closet homosexuality. If you are in fact truly gay, then please, tell the world and be proud. There is no shame in hiding your true personality. Joining the Air Force does not mean that you have the right to frolic and prance around with other men in a fashion that puts the annual Gay Pride Parade to unnecessary shame. Upon viewing your FaceBook account, I discovered numerous pieces of evidence and pictorial diagrams of you flaunting and embracing those of the male sex. To spare the pupils of those reading this letter, I will post only the ones that do not rape the retinas when viewed.
Are you aware of the shirt that you are wearing? Is that any way to represent the Air Force, a Branch of our Military? I do not think so. If homosexuality is the direction you are heading, then please, let us know. Your talk of boobs and sex with women is repetitive and bore, and quite frankly, we don’t see you getting any in ‘yo face’ as you mentioned in any thread, ever. Again, Smoke and Mirror tactics. You pull the smokescreen of heterosexual talk, and then persistently dribble in your homosexual characteristics. Your thread mentioned the witnessing of two different sets of Mammy Glands, which, of course, I later found out you could never acquire as your own. In fact the only thing that you like to show off, Mr. Ratchford, are your testicles. Putrid and Vile are your actions. Mr. Ratchford. Putrid and Vile.
The Fifth Nail, Mr. Ratchford, the Fifth Nail. Your dreadful and cliché eating habits. I’m aware that you are a member at a “Planet Fitness,” located in Melville, NY. You gloat about how wonderful this gym is for you, with all its ‘hotties’ and free tanning. However, your Facebook photographs are photographic proof that this gym has done nothing to your health in the least bit! A healthy person must maintain a steady nutritious diet and regular exercise, but while you participate in regularly scheduled exercise, you eat as if you live in the waste disposal systems at all local fast food establishments!
Your daily eating routine consists of ten dollars worth of food off of Wendy’s 99 cent menu, Subway sandwiches, Applebee’s half-off nachos, boneless Buffalo wings, and triple chocolate meltdowns from the bowels of Beelzebub himself. These actions and eating habits need to CEASE, Mr. Ratchford. How are you to become an elite fighting unit in the Air Force when you are struggling from withdrawals of these fast foods clogging your arteries. You will cower over your prepared food and wither away, much like a junkie longs for their next fix. Your trembling and drooling with be the laughing stock in the Mess Hall. You barely have 5 dollars to put some gas into your neglected Jeep Cherokee, but every minute of every day you find a way to consume high cholesterol food items en masse.
Now, please, Mr. Ratchford, take these words of advise like the Banhammer to the Nails that seal your coffin and breathe the fresh air, instead of the stagnant pine that lies within your coffin and soul. We are here to help you Thomas, and if you fail to choose, may your soul forever burn in the darkest corner of Hell.
Sincerely,
Your friends,
HMC Girl Extraordinaire
Nicole Marie Sorrentino
Esteemed Moderator of SiSOffroad
‘Buffalo’ Phil Larocca
You may noticed I have given you a middle initial on the letter head and if you are wondering what it stands for, you might be right on the first try.
Fail. Thomas Fail Ratchford. Even the reigning king of Fail, Mr. Fred Hoffstaetter cannot hold a candle to your colossal abundance of unmitigated Failure.
Your consumption of my brownies is merely the first nail in the coffin. You simply ate them, and when confronted, you blamed Mike, pointing fingers away from yourself, using smoke and mirrors and lies and deception. I simply wanted some awesome brownies that Nicole had baked so elegantly for us, but you purged them from the world and then lied over an electronic device. Disgusting, Mr. Ratchford. Disgusting.
The second nail in the coffin is your dire recklessness on the road. It seems your driving skills are that of a fetus at the helm of Geno's Offroad Vehicle. You act with little regard for your own life and for the lives of other around you as your cruise down the highways at almost double the speed limit. What are you trying to prove? Are you attempting to take your life on America's motorways? It will no be surprised when one day I turn on the news and find your body strewn upon an interstate. The Air Force might get you out of $1000 tickets, Mr. Ratchford, but the Air force won't save your life when you side swipe another vehicle at more then 100 miles and hour and your life ends at contact with a Jersey barrier.
This of course brings me to my next point or the third nail in the coffin. You aren't even in a Branch of the Military yet. You have yet to earn those chevrons and wings that others have strive to earn, yet you boast and flaunt it like you have flown 12 combat missions in every war since the Civil. How about you go to Basic Training, and then tell everyone you are part of the United States Military.
The fourth nail in the coffin is your closet homosexuality. If you are in fact truly gay, then please, tell the world and be proud. There is no shame in hiding your true personality. Joining the Air Force does not mean that you have the right to frolic and prance around with other men in a fashion that puts the annual Gay Pride Parade to unnecessary shame. Upon viewing your FaceBook account, I discovered numerous pieces of evidence and pictorial diagrams of you flaunting and embracing those of the male sex. To spare the pupils of those reading this letter, I will post only the ones that do not rape the retinas when viewed.
Are you aware of the shirt that you are wearing? Is that any way to represent the Air Force, a Branch of our Military? I do not think so. If homosexuality is the direction you are heading, then please, let us know. Your talk of boobs and sex with women is repetitive and bore, and quite frankly, we don’t see you getting any in ‘yo face’ as you mentioned in any thread, ever. Again, Smoke and Mirror tactics. You pull the smokescreen of heterosexual talk, and then persistently dribble in your homosexual characteristics. Your thread mentioned the witnessing of two different sets of Mammy Glands, which, of course, I later found out you could never acquire as your own. In fact the only thing that you like to show off, Mr. Ratchford, are your testicles. Putrid and Vile are your actions. Mr. Ratchford. Putrid and Vile.
The Fifth Nail, Mr. Ratchford, the Fifth Nail. Your dreadful and cliché eating habits. I’m aware that you are a member at a “Planet Fitness,” located in Melville, NY. You gloat about how wonderful this gym is for you, with all its ‘hotties’ and free tanning. However, your Facebook photographs are photographic proof that this gym has done nothing to your health in the least bit! A healthy person must maintain a steady nutritious diet and regular exercise, but while you participate in regularly scheduled exercise, you eat as if you live in the waste disposal systems at all local fast food establishments!
Your daily eating routine consists of ten dollars worth of food off of Wendy’s 99 cent menu, Subway sandwiches, Applebee’s half-off nachos, boneless Buffalo wings, and triple chocolate meltdowns from the bowels of Beelzebub himself. These actions and eating habits need to CEASE, Mr. Ratchford. How are you to become an elite fighting unit in the Air Force when you are struggling from withdrawals of these fast foods clogging your arteries. You will cower over your prepared food and wither away, much like a junkie longs for their next fix. Your trembling and drooling with be the laughing stock in the Mess Hall. You barely have 5 dollars to put some gas into your neglected Jeep Cherokee, but every minute of every day you find a way to consume high cholesterol food items en masse.
Now, please, Mr. Ratchford, take these words of advise like the Banhammer to the Nails that seal your coffin and breathe the fresh air, instead of the stagnant pine that lies within your coffin and soul. We are here to help you Thomas, and if you fail to choose, may your soul forever burn in the darkest corner of Hell.
Sincerely,
Your friends,
HMC Girl Extraordinaire
Nicole Marie Sorrentino
Esteemed Moderator of SiSOffroad
‘Buffalo’ Phil Larocca
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