Tweet
Section One: Becoming Bane.
Starting is simple, in fact it’s the easiest part of this ‘How To’ guide because all you really have to do is buy a Jeep and sign up on an offroad website or forum. Heck, you can even grace the great people of a local offroad chapter with your very presence and introduce yourself as Bane in person! At first they may laugh, but you are fully aware of Dramatic Irony and introducing yourself as Bane is only the first step in making every member of that Club want to glue the palm of their hand to their face using industrial strength epoxy and caulk. Though there are some precautions, making yourself known as Bane is really the only thing you should do because you want to spend the rest of your time observing. See what their vehicles are like; if you happen to find a Toyota club or a Range Rover forum, showing up in any model jeep past the AMC years and then introducing yourself as Bane will win you so many points on the ‘We Hate This Kid Already’ tally sheet that you may not even have to follow the rest of this guide because anything you do in that club will instantly make you the target for near death hazing at every event. If they all have Jeeps, just buy an YJ or something, they will learn to hate it. Another thing you should take note on are trends within the club. Some clubs thrive on stacking body lift pucks on their children so even they have 8 inches of body lift and some of the more senior members have a wide enough gap between their tub and their frame that you can easily fly an A10 Warthog through the vehicle. Other clubs follow low lift and big tire trends where the max lift may be 4.5” of suspension lift but the tire sizes range from 33 inches to 39 inches. Whatever those trends may be, make a mental note of them and remember that you will in fact be doing the exact opposite of them in the very near future. You are on your way to many years of hatred. The Journey has only just begun.
Section Two: Opposites Don’t Attract
As stated before, do not follow the main trend in the club. Opposites do attract as noted with magnets and polarity, but your job will be to torture the very souls of your fellow offroaders with your malformed (in their eyes) jeep. If the club has a website, than that’s perfect. The Internet is the perfect way to hide your plans to masticate the minds of your peers with your teeth of ignorance by asking simple questions and disregarding the answers. Here is a perfect universal question that would bring hatred by all: ‘What color should I rattlecan my Jeep?’ The most common response would be ‘Don’t do it, you’re fucking stupid’. Most normal people wouldn’t do it, actually, but now it is your job to do it. After the topic on the forum reaches 3 pages of you arguing that you should do it and everyone else saying not to, go outside one day with 5 cans of Brown or any other obnoxious color like Lime Green or Blaze Orange and while not even attempting to do any prep work, simply apply a coat of paint on the jeep. Mud on the jeep? Don’t worry. Rust and Dents? Perfect. Take pictures of this vehicle then post them on the internet and bask in the blazing UV rays of pure, unadulterated Hatred for your soul. You are on the fast track to being hazed with the Rage Train.
Section Three: Buy the Shittiest Parts on the Market
Your vehicle wasn’t prepped for paint yet is now a completely different color thanks to Home Depot and Krylon but the modification of your vehicle has only begun. Best part? It won’t cost you much because you must half ass everything you do to your vehicle here on out. Want a lift kit and new control arms? Buy used Rusty’s arms with blown joints. Need a Trackbar? Just use a stock one and lengthen it yourself using chicken wire and Bondo and the occasional Popsicle stick for reinforcement. If you need to buy one, don’t. just run a stock trackbar with whatever lift you have. Have leaf springs? 5” Lift blocks made up of 3 different size blocks that you obtained for free through Craigslist. Go wheeling in the desert? Build a snorkel out of an old furnace duct and left over chicken wire. If you live in the Northeast and plan to wheel rivers and such, don’t build or buy a snorkel kit at all. Need an SYE? Hack and tap it, but do it off center so your entire driveline vibrates like Michael J Fox. Need gears to match those 38” Procomp Mud Terrains? Find a used set on Jeepforum or NAXJA. As long as the gears aren’t chipped, you’re good to go, or at least, tell that to your comrades. You get the point. Essentially, everything you do to this vehicle will be done as poorly as possible. Find the worst, most heavily used parts on the market and install them on your vehicle. When buying tires, don’t buy anything with more than 25% tread left because you’ll be spending too much money, and you need to save your money for all that Pabst Blue Ribbon you’ll be drinking to ease the pain of actually assembling this vehicle. A build thread is also another brilliant way to rack up Hate points on any forum. People will attempt to give you advice and genuinely help you out over and over, but your persistence and steadfastness to killing the minds of everyone will stay true. You can also build your vehicle extremely slowly. Show up to an event with half your jeep modified. Install those 38” ProComp mud terrains on your rear D35 with your 5” of aluminum block spacers but keep the stock tires up front with some coil spacers or something of the sort. Showing up looking like your vehicle missed the turn to the scrap yard will get every head to turn. You will be the beacon of light in every discussion, in person and on the forum. If your name comes up more than 20 times in the sentence ‘Did you see that fucking moron and that piece of shit jeep?’ at the next club event, you have succeeded to the highest degree.
Section Four: Destroy the vehicle on the trail and wonder why.
Now it is the pure moment of truth; time to hit the trails! Ah yes, you vehicle isn’t even street legal and wouldn’t pass a safety test even if the personnel at the DMV facility were all deceased orangutans but you want to hit some of the roughest terrain. Well, for starters, don’t bring ANY tools at all. You want to prove to these guys that your jeep will eat rocks and mud and shit kittens so you must prove your pompous overzealous egotistical nature by being so incredibly confident in your workmanship that no tools and spares simply ‘take up too much space that could be occupied with beer’. Don’t even bring a spare tire. Tell your club members that spare tires are for those who don’t own Procomp Muds. So you hit the trails, and you hit them as hard as you can. Rev limit that engine until your pistons blow right out of the end or one of your axles decides to abandon ship and break free of its torturous existence of being part of your jeep. The more bleeding heart members of your club will attempt to help you and lend you their tools to mend what has broken, so this time, actually fix the jeep. You don’t want these guys to murder you in cold blood and leave you inside of a burning jeep in the middle of nowhere…just yet.
Section Five: Redirect the Blame.
So your jeep is destroyed after one run of wheeling because you half assed everything and your jeep left a trail of parts behind you in the offroad park, so now is the time to return to the internet and do the most crucial thing of all: Blame everyone else for your mistakes. Go on a full page rant that the members of the club were no help to you at all when building your vehicle, even thought they strived to show you the way, pester the moderators and administrators for being hate mongers and not allowing people to speak their mind about the project. Take it to the next step by going on other forums and trash talking the people that tried to help you by saying everything they told you was incorrect and how you are just a ‘n00b’ and was taken advantage of. Explain to everyone that someone told you extending your trackbar with chicken wire and bondo was a good idea and that you destroyed a playground filled with children due to the trackbar crumbling on the first turn leaving your driveway.
Section Six: Bask in the Hatred.
Get some 100 spf sun block and just suck in all those UV rays of hatred. Don’t worry, a death squad is on the way to your house right now, Bane, and your existence will be cut tragically short quite soon.
Starting is simple, in fact it’s the easiest part of this ‘How To’ guide because all you really have to do is buy a Jeep and sign up on an offroad website or forum. Heck, you can even grace the great people of a local offroad chapter with your very presence and introduce yourself as Bane in person! At first they may laugh, but you are fully aware of Dramatic Irony and introducing yourself as Bane is only the first step in making every member of that Club want to glue the palm of their hand to their face using industrial strength epoxy and caulk. Though there are some precautions, making yourself known as Bane is really the only thing you should do because you want to spend the rest of your time observing. See what their vehicles are like; if you happen to find a Toyota club or a Range Rover forum, showing up in any model jeep past the AMC years and then introducing yourself as Bane will win you so many points on the ‘We Hate This Kid Already’ tally sheet that you may not even have to follow the rest of this guide because anything you do in that club will instantly make you the target for near death hazing at every event. If they all have Jeeps, just buy an YJ or something, they will learn to hate it. Another thing you should take note on are trends within the club. Some clubs thrive on stacking body lift pucks on their children so even they have 8 inches of body lift and some of the more senior members have a wide enough gap between their tub and their frame that you can easily fly an A10 Warthog through the vehicle. Other clubs follow low lift and big tire trends where the max lift may be 4.5” of suspension lift but the tire sizes range from 33 inches to 39 inches. Whatever those trends may be, make a mental note of them and remember that you will in fact be doing the exact opposite of them in the very near future. You are on your way to many years of hatred. The Journey has only just begun.
Section Two: Opposites Don’t Attract
As stated before, do not follow the main trend in the club. Opposites do attract as noted with magnets and polarity, but your job will be to torture the very souls of your fellow offroaders with your malformed (in their eyes) jeep. If the club has a website, than that’s perfect. The Internet is the perfect way to hide your plans to masticate the minds of your peers with your teeth of ignorance by asking simple questions and disregarding the answers. Here is a perfect universal question that would bring hatred by all: ‘What color should I rattlecan my Jeep?’ The most common response would be ‘Don’t do it, you’re fucking stupid’. Most normal people wouldn’t do it, actually, but now it is your job to do it. After the topic on the forum reaches 3 pages of you arguing that you should do it and everyone else saying not to, go outside one day with 5 cans of Brown or any other obnoxious color like Lime Green or Blaze Orange and while not even attempting to do any prep work, simply apply a coat of paint on the jeep. Mud on the jeep? Don’t worry. Rust and Dents? Perfect. Take pictures of this vehicle then post them on the internet and bask in the blazing UV rays of pure, unadulterated Hatred for your soul. You are on the fast track to being hazed with the Rage Train.
Section Three: Buy the Shittiest Parts on the Market
Your vehicle wasn’t prepped for paint yet is now a completely different color thanks to Home Depot and Krylon but the modification of your vehicle has only begun. Best part? It won’t cost you much because you must half ass everything you do to your vehicle here on out. Want a lift kit and new control arms? Buy used Rusty’s arms with blown joints. Need a Trackbar? Just use a stock one and lengthen it yourself using chicken wire and Bondo and the occasional Popsicle stick for reinforcement. If you need to buy one, don’t. just run a stock trackbar with whatever lift you have. Have leaf springs? 5” Lift blocks made up of 3 different size blocks that you obtained for free through Craigslist. Go wheeling in the desert? Build a snorkel out of an old furnace duct and left over chicken wire. If you live in the Northeast and plan to wheel rivers and such, don’t build or buy a snorkel kit at all. Need an SYE? Hack and tap it, but do it off center so your entire driveline vibrates like Michael J Fox. Need gears to match those 38” Procomp Mud Terrains? Find a used set on Jeepforum or NAXJA. As long as the gears aren’t chipped, you’re good to go, or at least, tell that to your comrades. You get the point. Essentially, everything you do to this vehicle will be done as poorly as possible. Find the worst, most heavily used parts on the market and install them on your vehicle. When buying tires, don’t buy anything with more than 25% tread left because you’ll be spending too much money, and you need to save your money for all that Pabst Blue Ribbon you’ll be drinking to ease the pain of actually assembling this vehicle. A build thread is also another brilliant way to rack up Hate points on any forum. People will attempt to give you advice and genuinely help you out over and over, but your persistence and steadfastness to killing the minds of everyone will stay true. You can also build your vehicle extremely slowly. Show up to an event with half your jeep modified. Install those 38” ProComp mud terrains on your rear D35 with your 5” of aluminum block spacers but keep the stock tires up front with some coil spacers or something of the sort. Showing up looking like your vehicle missed the turn to the scrap yard will get every head to turn. You will be the beacon of light in every discussion, in person and on the forum. If your name comes up more than 20 times in the sentence ‘Did you see that fucking moron and that piece of shit jeep?’ at the next club event, you have succeeded to the highest degree.
Section Four: Destroy the vehicle on the trail and wonder why.
Now it is the pure moment of truth; time to hit the trails! Ah yes, you vehicle isn’t even street legal and wouldn’t pass a safety test even if the personnel at the DMV facility were all deceased orangutans but you want to hit some of the roughest terrain. Well, for starters, don’t bring ANY tools at all. You want to prove to these guys that your jeep will eat rocks and mud and shit kittens so you must prove your pompous overzealous egotistical nature by being so incredibly confident in your workmanship that no tools and spares simply ‘take up too much space that could be occupied with beer’. Don’t even bring a spare tire. Tell your club members that spare tires are for those who don’t own Procomp Muds. So you hit the trails, and you hit them as hard as you can. Rev limit that engine until your pistons blow right out of the end or one of your axles decides to abandon ship and break free of its torturous existence of being part of your jeep. The more bleeding heart members of your club will attempt to help you and lend you their tools to mend what has broken, so this time, actually fix the jeep. You don’t want these guys to murder you in cold blood and leave you inside of a burning jeep in the middle of nowhere…just yet.
Section Five: Redirect the Blame.
So your jeep is destroyed after one run of wheeling because you half assed everything and your jeep left a trail of parts behind you in the offroad park, so now is the time to return to the internet and do the most crucial thing of all: Blame everyone else for your mistakes. Go on a full page rant that the members of the club were no help to you at all when building your vehicle, even thought they strived to show you the way, pester the moderators and administrators for being hate mongers and not allowing people to speak their mind about the project. Take it to the next step by going on other forums and trash talking the people that tried to help you by saying everything they told you was incorrect and how you are just a ‘n00b’ and was taken advantage of. Explain to everyone that someone told you extending your trackbar with chicken wire and bondo was a good idea and that you destroyed a playground filled with children due to the trackbar crumbling on the first turn leaving your driveway.
Section Six: Bask in the Hatred.
Get some 100 spf sun block and just suck in all those UV rays of hatred. Don’t worry, a death squad is on the way to your house right now, Bane, and your existence will be cut tragically short quite soon.
Comment