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An Open Letter To one Adam M. Schwartz.
Dear Adam,
It seems that in recent days you had an encounter with an Odocoileus virginianus, commonly knows as a White Tail Deer, on the public roadways of The Empire State. This encounter was not as dramatic as it sounds, instead it was a rather sub par in the grand scheme of life and how the world revolves around the sun. As exciting as my 10 hour work day was today, I became ecstatic when I learned of this rendezvous with roadkill, but was quickly overcome with a disheartening sensation when I ascertained hard evidence that the Odocoileus virginianus had escaped the fiery gasp of your Subaru Impreza.
You didn't hit the Odocoileus virginianus, the Odocoileus virginianus HIT YOU. I had flashbacks of working in a sweat shop in the bowels of the largest communist country on this planet; images of iron clad foreman with obnoxious mustaches barking out Russian Phrases still haunting me to this day. Mother Russia, the land where the White Tails hit you. Dreadful, to say the least.
But it wasn't all bad, you did walk away unscathed, however, your passenger side fender was quite ravaged and you even tied to remove the dents to the best of your ability, but the one fact remains, Nice things can never be had. You took pride in that vehicle, and now look at it, Dented and Maimed. Tears would be flowing from my eyes for you, but my eyes remain dry. Why? Why do you ask??
Your Subaru is now starting to look like my 1989 Jeep Cherokee. It starts with one dent, one here, one there, you place them in the back of your mind and before you know it, your vehicle looks like a scrapyard special. How does one avoid such things? Well, your Subaru clearly isn't riced out enough. The Black is so Norway. The Scandinavians like their black metal, and they flick the finger at anything of a different color. It could be entirely possible that the Odocoileus virginianus couldn't see your murdered out Impreza.
You need to view those Japanese ricer videos, such as The Fast and The Furious, and apply the same styling to your vehicle. Blaze Orange, Neon Green and a vivid pictograph and stylized decal of Yamata-no-Orochi engaged in an epic battle with Susanoo, the Japanese God of the Wind and the Sea, while actively being portrayed in a Japanese Pornographic Cartoon.
When you drive your brand new vehicle, freshly painted with a perverted battle of Japanese Dragons and Gods, you'll find that people and animals alike will avoid your vehicle and cease to rampage your fenders. I can easily see the creatures of this earth avoiding you and your vehicle like the new bubonic plague ravaging the mean streets of the Northern Empire State.
A Modest Proposal, a simple and elegant solution to your problem, but as elegant as the solutions may be, I cannot promise you that when I see you upon the streets of The Empire State in your decked out Subaru Impreza with the Epic Pornographic Battle brandished on the side of your vehicle, that I will not try to kill you and tear every fiber of your being to strands no larger then the DioxyRibonucleic acid in your body.
In the end, I find myself disappointed in your actions. While you were quick with those feeble human reflexes of yours and avoided the White Tail, only to have it double take and crash head on into you like a child playing with blunt objects in a straight jacket, you still did not chase the White Tail down like Dieter Weber in the Novel Rainbow Six and gut it with a combat knife. Instead, you let the White Tail pass, you allowed it to collect two hundred dollars as it pranced over the Go Square like a faggot on his way to a gay bar on the Longest Island in the North East.
Dana Lemire should give you classes on the proper disposal of White Tail entrails on the motorways of this country via Brake Stand. I'm sure he would be willing to give lessons.
Your Pal, Firearm Enthusiast and Esteemed Moderator
'Buffalo' Phil Larocca
It seems that in recent days you had an encounter with an Odocoileus virginianus, commonly knows as a White Tail Deer, on the public roadways of The Empire State. This encounter was not as dramatic as it sounds, instead it was a rather sub par in the grand scheme of life and how the world revolves around the sun. As exciting as my 10 hour work day was today, I became ecstatic when I learned of this rendezvous with roadkill, but was quickly overcome with a disheartening sensation when I ascertained hard evidence that the Odocoileus virginianus had escaped the fiery gasp of your Subaru Impreza.
You didn't hit the Odocoileus virginianus, the Odocoileus virginianus HIT YOU. I had flashbacks of working in a sweat shop in the bowels of the largest communist country on this planet; images of iron clad foreman with obnoxious mustaches barking out Russian Phrases still haunting me to this day. Mother Russia, the land where the White Tails hit you. Dreadful, to say the least.
But it wasn't all bad, you did walk away unscathed, however, your passenger side fender was quite ravaged and you even tied to remove the dents to the best of your ability, but the one fact remains, Nice things can never be had. You took pride in that vehicle, and now look at it, Dented and Maimed. Tears would be flowing from my eyes for you, but my eyes remain dry. Why? Why do you ask??
Your Subaru is now starting to look like my 1989 Jeep Cherokee. It starts with one dent, one here, one there, you place them in the back of your mind and before you know it, your vehicle looks like a scrapyard special. How does one avoid such things? Well, your Subaru clearly isn't riced out enough. The Black is so Norway. The Scandinavians like their black metal, and they flick the finger at anything of a different color. It could be entirely possible that the Odocoileus virginianus couldn't see your murdered out Impreza.
You need to view those Japanese ricer videos, such as The Fast and The Furious, and apply the same styling to your vehicle. Blaze Orange, Neon Green and a vivid pictograph and stylized decal of Yamata-no-Orochi engaged in an epic battle with Susanoo, the Japanese God of the Wind and the Sea, while actively being portrayed in a Japanese Pornographic Cartoon.
When you drive your brand new vehicle, freshly painted with a perverted battle of Japanese Dragons and Gods, you'll find that people and animals alike will avoid your vehicle and cease to rampage your fenders. I can easily see the creatures of this earth avoiding you and your vehicle like the new bubonic plague ravaging the mean streets of the Northern Empire State.
A Modest Proposal, a simple and elegant solution to your problem, but as elegant as the solutions may be, I cannot promise you that when I see you upon the streets of The Empire State in your decked out Subaru Impreza with the Epic Pornographic Battle brandished on the side of your vehicle, that I will not try to kill you and tear every fiber of your being to strands no larger then the DioxyRibonucleic acid in your body.
In the end, I find myself disappointed in your actions. While you were quick with those feeble human reflexes of yours and avoided the White Tail, only to have it double take and crash head on into you like a child playing with blunt objects in a straight jacket, you still did not chase the White Tail down like Dieter Weber in the Novel Rainbow Six and gut it with a combat knife. Instead, you let the White Tail pass, you allowed it to collect two hundred dollars as it pranced over the Go Square like a faggot on his way to a gay bar on the Longest Island in the North East.
Dana Lemire should give you classes on the proper disposal of White Tail entrails on the motorways of this country via Brake Stand. I'm sure he would be willing to give lessons.
Your Pal, Firearm Enthusiast and Esteemed Moderator
'Buffalo' Phil Larocca
well done phil, well done
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