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Summer is upon us and you all know what that means: it’s nut-punching season. Ah spring, when harsh weather gives way to warm evenings, the iced tea flows like water, and nuts are punched. A lot of people have been emailing me to ask, “What’s the proper way to punch somebody in the nuts? Is there etiquette involved?”
What?! You bet your sweet nuts there’s etiquette involved when it comes to proper nut-punching! But don’t fret. Just follow these simple rules and your next nut-punching will be a super success.
1. Make sure you know the guy first or you are bigger than him. While anonymous nut-punches can be fun, you stand an excellent chance of getting yourself killed if you just punch some stranger’s nuts. Especially if he has friends around him.
2. Don’t take a running start unless it is deemed funnier. Sure, getting a head of steam ensures that you’ll get as much force behind your nut-punch as possible, but it’s looked down upon. Like calling too many fouls in a game of pickup basketball. Not against the rules, per se, but you’ll start to get a bad rep.
3. No foreign objects. As tempting as it may be to wrap your hands in gauze, dip them in glue, and then roll them in shards of glass or gravel, resist the urge to do so. There is no place in the hallowed tradition of nut punching for those Jean-Claude van Damme tactics. Just don’t do it.
4. No kicking. It’s called nut-punching for a reason. Duh. Unless they piss on your carpet.
5. Gloating. After you’ve successfully punched someone in the nuts, be a jerk about it. Jump up and down or go around collecting high-fives. You’ve done your job, you need to be a huge jerk about it.
What?! You bet your sweet nuts there’s etiquette involved when it comes to proper nut-punching! But don’t fret. Just follow these simple rules and your next nut-punching will be a super success.
1. Make sure you know the guy first or you are bigger than him. While anonymous nut-punches can be fun, you stand an excellent chance of getting yourself killed if you just punch some stranger’s nuts. Especially if he has friends around him.
2. Don’t take a running start unless it is deemed funnier. Sure, getting a head of steam ensures that you’ll get as much force behind your nut-punch as possible, but it’s looked down upon. Like calling too many fouls in a game of pickup basketball. Not against the rules, per se, but you’ll start to get a bad rep.
3. No foreign objects. As tempting as it may be to wrap your hands in gauze, dip them in glue, and then roll them in shards of glass or gravel, resist the urge to do so. There is no place in the hallowed tradition of nut punching for those Jean-Claude van Damme tactics. Just don’t do it.
4. No kicking. It’s called nut-punching for a reason. Duh. Unless they piss on your carpet.
5. Gloating. After you’ve successfully punched someone in the nuts, be a jerk about it. Jump up and down or go around collecting high-fives. You’ve done your job, you need to be a huge jerk about it.
Vice President of Internal Affairs at Dirty Donny's House of Hookers
but remember you should never hit them only shake them really hard
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