Another joke thread

[Buffalo Phil]

A guy goes to the dentist complaining about tooth pain. The dentist examines him and determines he has an abscess that will require immediate surgery to correct.
The dentist says, "I'm going to give you an injection of Novocaine for the pain..."
The patient replies, "No! No! I don't like needles!"
The dentist says, "Okay, I'll give you some gas for the pain..."
The patient replies, "No! No! I don't like the gas!"
The doctor says, "Okay. Here's some Viagra."
The patient says, "Viagra? What do I need this for?"
The dentist says, "It'll give you something to hold on to while I yank that tooth."

[Magilla]

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday.

[Buffalo Phil]

[Lawn Guyland]

[Magilla]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

[Buffalo Phil]

[Magilla]

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

[Lawn Guyland]

[Magilla]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[Buffalo Phil]

Jesus fuckin Christ.

[Lawn Guyland]

these are so great hahahahaah

[Magilla]

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"


"Little Johnny, what does your Daddy do for a living?", the teacher asked.
Johnny answered, "My Daddy is a dildo maker and he says my mommy is a test pilot"


Little Tommy was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him he truth...... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."Little Tommy just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"


One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".His teacher replies "NO"Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".She again says "NO"."But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again."Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[Even]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".His teacher replies "NO"Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".She again says "NO"."But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again."Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

holy shit that brings back some memories, i remember telling that joke in like 5th or 6th grade instead of teacher it was a babysitter though

[Magilla]

holy shit that brings back some memories, i remember having a similar experience in like 5th or 6th grade instead of teacher it was my boy scout leader and it wasnt his finger either.

[Even]

die.