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History in a Nut Shell

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  • History in a Nut Shell

    For those that don't know about history... Here is a condensed version:



    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.



    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:



    1. Liberals

    2. Conservatives



    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.



    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.



    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.



    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.



    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.



    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, group therapists and homosexuals are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.



    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.



    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.



    Here ends today's lesson in world history:

    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.



    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.



    And there you have it.



    Let your next action reveal your true self
    I don't always drink orange juice, but when I do, I prefer to chew it. #madpulp

  • #2
    fucking bullshit, why does everything have to be lumped into one of 2 groups?
    "when I'm riding my motorcycle,I'm glad to be alive...when I stop riding my motorcycle,I'm glad to be alive"

    Comment


    • #3
      are you the third party of lazy fucks that sit around and do nothing but want everything handed to them?
      I once had a 93 XJ, 4.5" o' lift, 33" TSL Super Swampers, 8.25 rear Detroit locked. 2,000 Lb Steering. Custom rockers, Sam's old Bumpah. Cherry Bomb BITCH. SOLD

      Fight Team

      Official HMC Girlie

      Comment


      • #4
        also, stop complaining.
        I once had a 93 XJ, 4.5" o' lift, 33" TSL Super Swampers, 8.25 rear Detroit locked. 2,000 Lb Steering. Custom rockers, Sam's old Bumpah. Cherry Bomb BITCH. SOLD

        Fight Team

        Official HMC Girlie

        Comment


        • #5
          Ah crap look what I started
          I don't always drink orange juice, but when I do, I prefer to chew it. #madpulp

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ninetysix-ex-jay View Post
            Ah crap look what I started
            its all your fault!

            i enjoy this thread though
            I once had a 93 XJ, 4.5" o' lift, 33" TSL Super Swampers, 8.25 rear Detroit locked. 2,000 Lb Steering. Custom rockers, Sam's old Bumpah. Cherry Bomb BITCH. SOLD

            Fight Team

            Official HMC Girlie

            Comment


            • #7
              thats exactly what happened, ive seen it in books.




              good find
              winng. all the goddamned time.

              **MY STATEMENTS AND/OR OPINIONS IN NO WAY REFLECT THOSE OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

              Comment


              • #8
                um... This whole this is wrong, cause humans were originally scavangers, living off of what ever they could find, much like a crow.
                Originally posted by Fast Orange
                if you piss all over the floor and get 3 drops in the bowl do you count that as good? granted i'm good for a sprinkle or two on the seat, but you leave all of our feet wet, metaphorically speaking of course
                Originally posted by HitItWithSomeSpeed
                I find adam sandler strangely attractive, it must be josh's fault. god that kid sucks

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by ruecifur View Post
                  um... This whole this is wrong, cause humans were originally scavangers, living off of what ever they could find, much like a crow.
                  party pooper

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    i agree jon

                    97 TJ that I think is pretty neat.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      hahahaha sooo funny
                      98 XJ RIP
                      05 WRX
                      16 Legacy

                      Originally posted by Burton58
                      Ewwww jersey sucks i'm not going

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by CumminsJeep View Post
                        i agree jon
                        Put your hand on the screen because i'm giving you a high five
                        I don't always drink orange juice, but when I do, I prefer to chew it. #madpulp

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Awesome.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by fullwidthxj191 View Post
                            party pooper
                            I'm just saying, if your getting down on the lib's for taking handouts, you should get down on everyone, cause thats what our whole species started out as... In short, if you want to do the world a favor, go kill yourself
                            Originally posted by Fast Orange
                            if you piss all over the floor and get 3 drops in the bowl do you count that as good? granted i'm good for a sprinkle or two on the seat, but you leave all of our feet wet, metaphorically speaking of course
                            Originally posted by HitItWithSomeSpeed
                            I find adam sandler strangely attractive, it must be josh's fault. god that kid sucks

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ruecifur View Post
                              um... This whole this is wrong, cause humans were originally scavangers, living off of what ever they could find, much like a crow.
                              Cows eat grass.

                              Upong closer inspection it appears as though you said "crow" and not "cow"......carry on.
                              2000 XJ
                              2000 A.C.E. 750

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