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Dear Gas Can,
You are one of the worlds greatest inventions. Quite frankly you may possibly one of the greatest wonders of the world. You are used day in and day out, 24 hours a day, and hold one of Americas most precious cargo's. For this I must give you my most deepest respects.
BUT, I am very troubled by the thought process of the man behind the scenes. The man that improves upon your great powers. The man that cant sleep at night knowing that gasoline is such a volatile substance to pour from a container. THE MAN THAT IS SO FUCKING RETARDED HE WAS BANNED FROM THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.
Lets start this with a picture from my garage.
From left to right we have specimen
A.(gas can) B.(gas can) C.(gas can) and D.(gas can)
I know what your thinking..... they are all fuckin gas cans.......
YOUR WRONG
Let me start with....
Specimen D, AKA: Ole Faithful
Wowwwww, what a brilliant design. How can life be any better knowing you can pour fuel with a wonderfully rigid spout. This bad boy on the block does it all. It features a solid plastic spout that directs a stream of gas into its holding cell where it is destined to die a firey death and be spread amongst us all in the form of emissions. This can has what old timers call a " VENT "....
Under the Standard procedure for pouring gasoline out of this can, one must tilt the can and fuel will begin to flow out of the spout......
I know.... I know........ Seams easy right?..... WRONG AGAIN!
Step 2. in the procedure is to UNSCREW the vent....
yes i said it..... VENT!!!
When you touch this fucker fuel comes out like a fuckin fire hose.....
ITS FUCKIN GREAT!!!!!! why waste time pouring gas when you can get work done using the item that consumes the gas. The man that defied physics with this invention should run for president.
Lets move on to Specimen C.
AKA: KINKY
This sly fox has it all. She features all the right curves including a handle to grasp when things get rough. You can toss her around from one side of the town to the other and you will always be glad to see her when your in a time of need. This can happens to be my favorite. It also has that wonderful vent that creates pouring a magical event. An event where fluids pump faster than you ever thought possible.
But this sexy mama has one feature that tops them all......
A BENDABLE SPOUT!!!!! She can maneuver to alllllll the right places. You can work it fast or slow with the vent and know that she will always hit the right spot..... i have to move on or im gonna have wet dreams about this can tonight.
NOW.... something happened in the 2000's. Something i was not to sure of. Something that seamed normal but just didn't feel right.
Im talking about specimen B.
AKA: LIBERAL CAN
This can seams great from the outside until you have to actually see it in use. My first experience was a little iffy. I was a little upset it didnt have a kinky spout but I noticed that it was a nice sleek shape and had 2 handles..... WOW TWOOOOOOO handles..... THIS SEAMS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!!!!! WRONGGGGG
While pouring gas for the first time it was easy to use to 2 hands with the ergonomic handles. But when left one handle with my hand to search for the vent i was flabbergasted....
NOOOOOOOO VENTTTTTTTTTT..... FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Im confused why NASCAR (everyones favorite redneck dummy dumb sport) had figured out how to transfer 24 gallons of gas in 5 seconds. yet we are back tracking as an intellectual society .....
But owell i guess i gotta live with it because it is what it isssss.
Then there was specimen A.
AKA: push my buttons can
THIS FUCKER IS AN INBRED OF TECHNOLOGY AND RETARDNESS.....
ITS THE SAME SHITTY CAN DESIGN WITHOUT A VENT BUT HAS A PUSH BOTTON SPOUT.......
ill tell ya what, Im glad they put two handles on the can because i grew this third fuckin arm i didnt know what to do with and now i can use it to push the button......
FUCKIN HORRIBLE.... WHY WHOULD THEY INVENT SUCH A STUPID THING!!!!!
it gets worse though...... THAT MOTHER FUCKER OF A GAS CAN MAN INVENTED ANOTHER INBRED OFFSPRING!!!! I DONT EVEN HAVE A PICTURE OF IT BECAUSE ITS A ONE TIME USE CAN.
ONE TIME USE BECAUSE I WAS SO FRUSTRATED IT WENT STRAIT INTO THE FIRE PIT AFTER POURING ITS PRECIOUS FUEL INTO MY GENERATOR.
looks sorta like this
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GREEN THING? WHY THE FUCK CANT I GET GAS TO COME OUT. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A POPPING SPRING NOISE. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE INVENTING THIS FUCKING SHIT TO BE SAFE!!!!!!
THIS FUCKER YOU HAVE TO TWIST, PULL, AND RIP..... I DIDNT WANT A FUCKING BOPIT DAMNIT. THIS THING IS SO COMPLICATED NASA FUCKING LOOKED AT IT AND THOUGHT IT WAS EXTRA TERRESTRIAL. IF I WANTED A FUCKING BRAIN TEASER I WOULD FUCKING GO TO CRACKER BARREL AND PLAY WITH ONE OF THE RING AND HORSESHOE PUZZLES WHILE WAITING FOR MY CHICKEN FIRED CHICKEN!!!!
THEY CALL IT SPILL PROOF..... YA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU SPILL IT ALL OVER YOURSELF TRYING TO OPERATE IT SO YOU THEN HAVE NOTHING TO SPILL INTO YOUR GAS TANK. FUCKKKKKKKKKK
then you move onto your second tank that just so happens to be the same idiotic style.... BUT NOOOOOO PROBLEM, YOU FIGURED THIS FUCKER OF A CAN OUT!!!!!!!
WRONGGGG, JUST GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING WRONG AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you see they put a little plastic tab to rest the nozzle on and you use the weight of the can to over come the spring.... when you do this the nozzle opens up and looks like a red rocket...... the gas trickles at such a slow pace that the generator is using just as much fuel as you are putting in..... waht a painful game.....
THEN THAT FUCKIN PLASTIC TAB SNAPPS!!!!! SENDING THE WHOLE FUCKING GAS CAN SMASHING DOWN BECAUSE YOU WERE TO FUCKIN OCCUPIED WITH YOUR NAP WHILE WAITING TO FILL THE TANK.......
i would have been better off running a generator from pump number 4 at mobil, and running an extension cord 4 miles to my house.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK
/RANT
You are one of the worlds greatest inventions. Quite frankly you may possibly one of the greatest wonders of the world. You are used day in and day out, 24 hours a day, and hold one of Americas most precious cargo's. For this I must give you my most deepest respects.
BUT, I am very troubled by the thought process of the man behind the scenes. The man that improves upon your great powers. The man that cant sleep at night knowing that gasoline is such a volatile substance to pour from a container. THE MAN THAT IS SO FUCKING RETARDED HE WAS BANNED FROM THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.
Lets start this with a picture from my garage.
From left to right we have specimen
A.(gas can) B.(gas can) C.(gas can) and D.(gas can)
I know what your thinking..... they are all fuckin gas cans.......
YOUR WRONG
Let me start with....
Specimen D, AKA: Ole Faithful
Wowwwww, what a brilliant design. How can life be any better knowing you can pour fuel with a wonderfully rigid spout. This bad boy on the block does it all. It features a solid plastic spout that directs a stream of gas into its holding cell where it is destined to die a firey death and be spread amongst us all in the form of emissions. This can has what old timers call a " VENT "....
Under the Standard procedure for pouring gasoline out of this can, one must tilt the can and fuel will begin to flow out of the spout......
I know.... I know........ Seams easy right?..... WRONG AGAIN!
Step 2. in the procedure is to UNSCREW the vent....
yes i said it..... VENT!!!
When you touch this fucker fuel comes out like a fuckin fire hose.....
ITS FUCKIN GREAT!!!!!! why waste time pouring gas when you can get work done using the item that consumes the gas. The man that defied physics with this invention should run for president.
Lets move on to Specimen C.
AKA: KINKY
This sly fox has it all. She features all the right curves including a handle to grasp when things get rough. You can toss her around from one side of the town to the other and you will always be glad to see her when your in a time of need. This can happens to be my favorite. It also has that wonderful vent that creates pouring a magical event. An event where fluids pump faster than you ever thought possible.
But this sexy mama has one feature that tops them all......
A BENDABLE SPOUT!!!!! She can maneuver to alllllll the right places. You can work it fast or slow with the vent and know that she will always hit the right spot..... i have to move on or im gonna have wet dreams about this can tonight.
NOW.... something happened in the 2000's. Something i was not to sure of. Something that seamed normal but just didn't feel right.
Im talking about specimen B.
AKA: LIBERAL CAN
This can seams great from the outside until you have to actually see it in use. My first experience was a little iffy. I was a little upset it didnt have a kinky spout but I noticed that it was a nice sleek shape and had 2 handles..... WOW TWOOOOOOO handles..... THIS SEAMS LIKE A GREAT IDEA!!!!! WRONGGGGG
While pouring gas for the first time it was easy to use to 2 hands with the ergonomic handles. But when left one handle with my hand to search for the vent i was flabbergasted....
NOOOOOOOO VENTTTTTTTTTT..... FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Im confused why NASCAR (everyones favorite redneck dummy dumb sport) had figured out how to transfer 24 gallons of gas in 5 seconds. yet we are back tracking as an intellectual society .....
But owell i guess i gotta live with it because it is what it isssss.
Then there was specimen A.
AKA: push my buttons can
THIS FUCKER IS AN INBRED OF TECHNOLOGY AND RETARDNESS.....
ITS THE SAME SHITTY CAN DESIGN WITHOUT A VENT BUT HAS A PUSH BOTTON SPOUT.......
ill tell ya what, Im glad they put two handles on the can because i grew this third fuckin arm i didnt know what to do with and now i can use it to push the button......
FUCKIN HORRIBLE.... WHY WHOULD THEY INVENT SUCH A STUPID THING!!!!!
it gets worse though...... THAT MOTHER FUCKER OF A GAS CAN MAN INVENTED ANOTHER INBRED OFFSPRING!!!! I DONT EVEN HAVE A PICTURE OF IT BECAUSE ITS A ONE TIME USE CAN.
ONE TIME USE BECAUSE I WAS SO FRUSTRATED IT WENT STRAIT INTO THE FIRE PIT AFTER POURING ITS PRECIOUS FUEL INTO MY GENERATOR.
looks sorta like this
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GREEN THING? WHY THE FUCK CANT I GET GAS TO COME OUT. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A POPPING SPRING NOISE. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE INVENTING THIS FUCKING SHIT TO BE SAFE!!!!!!
THIS FUCKER YOU HAVE TO TWIST, PULL, AND RIP..... I DIDNT WANT A FUCKING BOPIT DAMNIT. THIS THING IS SO COMPLICATED NASA FUCKING LOOKED AT IT AND THOUGHT IT WAS EXTRA TERRESTRIAL. IF I WANTED A FUCKING BRAIN TEASER I WOULD FUCKING GO TO CRACKER BARREL AND PLAY WITH ONE OF THE RING AND HORSESHOE PUZZLES WHILE WAITING FOR MY CHICKEN FIRED CHICKEN!!!!
THEY CALL IT SPILL PROOF..... YA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU SPILL IT ALL OVER YOURSELF TRYING TO OPERATE IT SO YOU THEN HAVE NOTHING TO SPILL INTO YOUR GAS TANK. FUCKKKKKKKKKK
then you move onto your second tank that just so happens to be the same idiotic style.... BUT NOOOOOO PROBLEM, YOU FIGURED THIS FUCKER OF A CAN OUT!!!!!!!
WRONGGGG, JUST GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING WRONG AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you see they put a little plastic tab to rest the nozzle on and you use the weight of the can to over come the spring.... when you do this the nozzle opens up and looks like a red rocket...... the gas trickles at such a slow pace that the generator is using just as much fuel as you are putting in..... waht a painful game.....
THEN THAT FUCKIN PLASTIC TAB SNAPPS!!!!! SENDING THE WHOLE FUCKING GAS CAN SMASHING DOWN BECAUSE YOU WERE TO FUCKIN OCCUPIED WITH YOUR NAP WHILE WAITING TO FILL THE TANK.......
i would have been better off running a generator from pump number 4 at mobil, and running an extension cord 4 miles to my house.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK
/RANT
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