Time for a Bad Joke Thread

[Buffalo Phil]

A man wins the lottery and he comes running home and crashes through the front door....

Man "Honey!!! Honey!!!! Quick. Get packing. I got the winning lottery ticket".
Wife "Great!!!! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
Man " I don't give a fuck. Just pack your shit and get the fuck out".



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"



A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Carlleen]

[Buffalo Phil]

[DizzDizz]

A blonde cuts off a truck driver in her brand new sports car.
Truck driver signals her to pull over, she does as she is told. Noticing she is blonde he draws a chalk circle on the ground, tells her to stand in it and not to move. He walks over to her car slashes all 4 of her tires. When he turns around she is smiling. OH U LIKE THAT HUH? He proceeds to cut all her leather seats. Upon turning around he sees her laughing. OK I GOT MORE. goes gets fuel and lights her car on fire. Now she is on the ground laughing. The truckers asks her now what in the hell is so funny. The blonde states everytime you turned around I stepped outside the circle.

[grundlepunch]

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

~~~~~~~

A little boy with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate for Halloween.

At the first house a woman opens the door, and the boy says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"

The woman looks at him and says, "My, aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"

The boy gets angry: "On the side of my buckin head, you buckin idiot."

~~~~~~~~~

A pirate enters the men's room, steps up to a urinal, opens his fly and out pops a steering wheel. The guys at the other urinals can't help but notice.

"Whoa," one says. "You have a steering wheel instead of a penis?!"

"Aye," says the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

[Ruepart Hoaxley]

Where does the general keep his armies?


Up his sleevies.

[Bluewarrior7]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Hand the bitch a shovel.

[Trailer Ray]

So this guy owns a golf course, and he gets sick of the greenskeepers always screwing off and not doing what theyre supposed to do. So he goes out and buys three new landscaping robots. Couple weeks go by and the course looks great, but the golfers start complaining about the glare from the shiny metal on the robots. So one night he decides to paint the robots black. Unfortunately, the next day, two of them called in sick and the other one robbed the pro shop.


What did the lepper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip...

[Trailer Ray]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Hand the bitch a shovel.

[Bluewarrior7]

Whose gonna post the first racist joke?

[ninetysix-ex-jay]

What's the difference between a women and a battery?


A battery has a positive side

[customcreationsllc]

What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?







































Dam

[CSaddict]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?


a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,


c) Magpie,


d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, "So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin' sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink."Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a fookin' clock!

[ct67_72]

There was a single man who lived in a house with his 2 children. They didnt have much money, or much else for that matter. Just a dog, a bb gun and a few untelsiles.
They are hungry, so the son and father go out and shoot a rabbit with the bb gun. They get back tot he house and tear right in, get it cooked and eaten. Shortly after the children went to bed.
A little while later, the daughter comes downstairs to the father sitting in his chair and yells DADDY DADDY, GUESS WHAT! He replies, what. She says, I went to he bathroom and I peed a BB. The father says, no problem, nothing to worry about, go back to bed.
Not 10 minutes later the son comes downstairs yelling DADDY DADDY GUESS WHAT! he replies, let me guess, you peed a BB.
The son says no, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!

[ct67_72]

There was a family, in the car on their way back from shopping. They come to a traffic light and the son says, mommy, daddy, what are those two dogs doing over there?
The father replies, they are making a puppy, and drives away.
So they get home, and put the kids to sleep, but the son cant sleep.
He barges into the parents room and sees his mother and father and says mommy, daddy what are you doing!
The father replies, we are making you a new brother or sister.
The son says to his father, roll mommy over i want a puppy!