anyone like daniel tosh?

[DrThunder]

He's on comedy central doing stand up, before he was famous and had tosh.0
And it makes me laugh



Just a heads up, I know you'd do the same for me

[HitItWithSomeSpeed]

I'll do the same for you when the drapes match the lightswitch covers...

[hippie metal]

[CumminsJeep]

I was watching it earlier as well. pretty damn funny if you ask me

[Burton58]

best 10 min joke ever written...







I heart President Bush, President Bush has done some great things. I don't know if you're aware of this, but in 07, extending daylights savings time 2 months longer? Yeah, I'm aboard, thank you...

That's great, did you not know this? Next year it's two months longer. No, there's not new months like 'Rectober' and 'Toyotathon'... which I'm sure he tried.

Okay, first of all daylights savings time was created for farmers, and there's only four of them left so I don't think they're worth half the calender year. I say instead of going one hour forward, ready? ready? 5 HOURS FORWARD! Suck it!

By the way, if you ever have a job where you have to give speeches in front of people, pepper in the phrase 'suck it'. Very empowering.

Just be like 'as you can see from our powerpoint presentation suck it...'

And your clients would be like 'Did he just say suck it? I like this guy... he's a go-getter.'

Okay, I say change daylights savings to five hours forward, because people with 9-5 jobs you've gotten so selfish and complacent with the daylight, you get it all the time. People that work at night, a third of this country, according to a survey I made up for this joke... we get robbed, it's not fair.

Half the year, five hours forward. It means the sun's rising at noon... Means I don't feel like such a piece of shit every morning when I'm waking up. I'm like 'Wow! The sun's now just coming up? I might mail a letter and get groceries today! Time for me to turn this life around... starting tomorrow! Because today, there's gonna be a Laguna Beach marathon on MTV, and I'm gonna be caught up on season 3, trying to figure why they're so fucking ugly this year."

And! That jokes not even over! And, Sexually Transmitted Diseases will drop off completely. 5 hours forward? Think about it, that means the sun's setting at 2 in the morning. It means guys, you're at a bar, pumping drinks into some girl, you get to bring her out into the daylight... Yeah, you would be like 'Nooooooo. Uh uh, seriously, I had a lovely time this evening, but I will see your ass back in standard time where you belong...'

And she's like 'Oh! They'll be back... they always come back for my shit in the dark. RAAAAAAAAAH RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH' And you would be like 'Thank you Daniel, and your new daylight savings time! You kept me from having sex with a... pterodactyl.'

And you don't want to sleep with a pterodactyl, not at your place, they have a 14 foot wingspan minimum. They're knocking everything off your shelf.

Then you have to go to target, you're on a budget, that place gets expensive. You go in their for two things, but then you see the frames. Who can pass up brushed silver? And I say we change all our socket covers, not just the bathroom...

Ah! You see that guy?! One guy, I just kept going until one person was like 'Hoooooly shit that joke had everything... Oh my goodness, do you mind if I recap? There was sex, there was pterodactyls, the knick knacks at target, and I was just telling you we should change our socket covers. This guy is more of a prophet and less of a comedian.'

You are welcome sir

[HitItWithSomeSpeed]

En hence...