Tweet
1. Our sobriety and your newfound ugliness. Inebriated judgment on our part is not your fault but it is certainly still a huge strike against you. Consider reconstructive surgery.
2. Facial hair. We get it, your Italian, but for Christ's sake you shouldn't be a frontrunner in the Mustache March competition. Spend a few extra bucks a month on waxing so you can look a little more like a lady and a little less like an ape.
3. Having a bunny trail. We watch tons of porn and we took sex education in high school; we don't need a trail carved out for us to find your vag. Just as disgusting: nipple hair.
4. A poorly manicured bush. We want to fuck your vagina, not use it to polish our shoes.
5. Poor vaginal scent. Buy some douche, call Roto-Rooter or flush it out with bleach. It's not that hard to smell nice.
6. Ripping a queef. If it happens don't react and whatever you do don't start to giggle uncontrollably, blame it on your dog or give us a dumb and confused look while saying, "queef?"
7. Being a dead fish. Sure, this could be the guy's fault, but you could at least have the decency to fake it.
8. Refusing to give head. You must give it to get it, ladies. And even if we don't reciprocate, you still must give it.
9. Giving terrible and toothy blow jobs. While it is often referred to as wood, our dick is not literally an oak tree, so try not to grind it down to nothing. Thanks.
10. Refusing to eat our asshole. Remember, having an open mind sexually is the gateway to everlasting love.
11. Ass farts of any kind. I repeat, ass farts of any kind are off limits. If you shart, just leave immediately and consider permanent relocation.
12. Lack of sexual initiation. If I have to steer your hand towards my dick after I'm already risking carpel tunnel from finger blasting you, you can pretty much drop dead.
13. Any unsolicited attempts to finger our asshole. No explanation needed.
14. Crying because the sex was the best you've ever had. While flattering, we don't need to know that you are an emotional disaster.
15. Calling us by another man's name. This was on the men's list also but members of both sexes should be equally aware of how terrible this is. Especially women.
16. Crazy music requests. Insisting that we listen to Brandy's Greatest Hits because that sets the mood for you will only result in me hating fucking the shit out of you while you endure "Creep" by Radiohead on repeat.
17. Thinking that you're staying over. Because you're not.
18. Excessive scratching. Don't confuse this message, some scratching is good but clawing and removing chunks off my back causing me to look like a prisoner of war is not.
19. Mentioning that your ex had a humongous penis. Unless he is dead or you follow that by saying, "but yours is at least four to five times bigger than his," this is completely out of the question.
20. Selfishness. No guy wants a chick who is only concerned if she gets off or does the positions she likes in order to get off. If you do that, don't lay like a deer in headlights after. Were both in it to win it, so don't stop performing until we get ours. In the instance that we happen to finish before you, tough shit.
21. Over-the-top theatrics or screaming. You're a failed actress, we get it, but even though we're stabbing you with our Hitchcock, now's not the time to audition for the lead role in "Psycho."
22. A complete lack of theatrics and screaming. Men are selfish in bed but it feeds our ego to know that we are doing a phenomenal job on you as well, so if we are, take the Lord's name in vain a few times.
23. Failure to mention your period. Most men, in general, don't mind running red lights -- under the right circumstances. What we do mind, however, is unknowingly covering ourselves in someone else's DNA or having to burn our brand-new 1200-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets over some two-bit street hooker.
24. Being too wet. Again, this isn't your fault it's just the way God wired your twat. But if we are fucking and our otherwise harmonious collaboration begins to sound like someone is walking in wet sneakers or making armpit farts, then say farewell to my boner.
25. Being too dry. We understand that the oven takes a little time to preheat, but if your vagina is so dry that we have to break-out lubricant or spit on you, we are not going to be too interested in subsequent romps.
26. Telling us to cum inside you. This is only cool if we have been fucking for a long time or we have confirmation that you are on the pill. Please don't make us ignite the end of a hanger.
27. Mid-sex cover-up. Nothing will turn a guy off more than a girl who is so uncomfortable with her body that she wont take off her top. If we've come this far, the fact that your nipples look like Frisbees isn't going to stop us.
28. Post-sex cover-up. We just fucked you for an hour. During that time we saw every inch of your naked body; your tits were bouncing off our face, you yearned for us to stick our head up your vagina, the works. But now, not even two minutes after we're done you want to cover every last inch of your body like we're in a goddamn Islamic country? It don't work that way sweetie. God gave you tits for a reason, show them off.
29. Not volunteering to make me a corned beef sandwich. I just fucked you for two hours and I'm famished. Do the right thing here...
30. Attempting pillow talk or cuddling after a one-night stand. It's 4 a.m., I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm full from the sandwich, and I really don't care about what you have to say. Seriously. Go to bed already
2. Facial hair. We get it, your Italian, but for Christ's sake you shouldn't be a frontrunner in the Mustache March competition. Spend a few extra bucks a month on waxing so you can look a little more like a lady and a little less like an ape.
3. Having a bunny trail. We watch tons of porn and we took sex education in high school; we don't need a trail carved out for us to find your vag. Just as disgusting: nipple hair.
4. A poorly manicured bush. We want to fuck your vagina, not use it to polish our shoes.
5. Poor vaginal scent. Buy some douche, call Roto-Rooter or flush it out with bleach. It's not that hard to smell nice.
6. Ripping a queef. If it happens don't react and whatever you do don't start to giggle uncontrollably, blame it on your dog or give us a dumb and confused look while saying, "queef?"
7. Being a dead fish. Sure, this could be the guy's fault, but you could at least have the decency to fake it.
8. Refusing to give head. You must give it to get it, ladies. And even if we don't reciprocate, you still must give it.
9. Giving terrible and toothy blow jobs. While it is often referred to as wood, our dick is not literally an oak tree, so try not to grind it down to nothing. Thanks.
10. Refusing to eat our asshole. Remember, having an open mind sexually is the gateway to everlasting love.
11. Ass farts of any kind. I repeat, ass farts of any kind are off limits. If you shart, just leave immediately and consider permanent relocation.
12. Lack of sexual initiation. If I have to steer your hand towards my dick after I'm already risking carpel tunnel from finger blasting you, you can pretty much drop dead.
13. Any unsolicited attempts to finger our asshole. No explanation needed.
14. Crying because the sex was the best you've ever had. While flattering, we don't need to know that you are an emotional disaster.
15. Calling us by another man's name. This was on the men's list also but members of both sexes should be equally aware of how terrible this is. Especially women.
16. Crazy music requests. Insisting that we listen to Brandy's Greatest Hits because that sets the mood for you will only result in me hating fucking the shit out of you while you endure "Creep" by Radiohead on repeat.
17. Thinking that you're staying over. Because you're not.
18. Excessive scratching. Don't confuse this message, some scratching is good but clawing and removing chunks off my back causing me to look like a prisoner of war is not.
19. Mentioning that your ex had a humongous penis. Unless he is dead or you follow that by saying, "but yours is at least four to five times bigger than his," this is completely out of the question.
20. Selfishness. No guy wants a chick who is only concerned if she gets off or does the positions she likes in order to get off. If you do that, don't lay like a deer in headlights after. Were both in it to win it, so don't stop performing until we get ours. In the instance that we happen to finish before you, tough shit.
21. Over-the-top theatrics or screaming. You're a failed actress, we get it, but even though we're stabbing you with our Hitchcock, now's not the time to audition for the lead role in "Psycho."
22. A complete lack of theatrics and screaming. Men are selfish in bed but it feeds our ego to know that we are doing a phenomenal job on you as well, so if we are, take the Lord's name in vain a few times.
23. Failure to mention your period. Most men, in general, don't mind running red lights -- under the right circumstances. What we do mind, however, is unknowingly covering ourselves in someone else's DNA or having to burn our brand-new 1200-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets over some two-bit street hooker.
24. Being too wet. Again, this isn't your fault it's just the way God wired your twat. But if we are fucking and our otherwise harmonious collaboration begins to sound like someone is walking in wet sneakers or making armpit farts, then say farewell to my boner.
25. Being too dry. We understand that the oven takes a little time to preheat, but if your vagina is so dry that we have to break-out lubricant or spit on you, we are not going to be too interested in subsequent romps.
26. Telling us to cum inside you. This is only cool if we have been fucking for a long time or we have confirmation that you are on the pill. Please don't make us ignite the end of a hanger.
27. Mid-sex cover-up. Nothing will turn a guy off more than a girl who is so uncomfortable with her body that she wont take off her top. If we've come this far, the fact that your nipples look like Frisbees isn't going to stop us.
28. Post-sex cover-up. We just fucked you for an hour. During that time we saw every inch of your naked body; your tits were bouncing off our face, you yearned for us to stick our head up your vagina, the works. But now, not even two minutes after we're done you want to cover every last inch of your body like we're in a goddamn Islamic country? It don't work that way sweetie. God gave you tits for a reason, show them off.
29. Not volunteering to make me a corned beef sandwich. I just fucked you for two hours and I'm famished. Do the right thing here...
30. Attempting pillow talk or cuddling after a one-night stand. It's 4 a.m., I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm full from the sandwich, and I really don't care about what you have to say. Seriously. Go to bed already
at the corned beef..
Comment